Archive for September, 2012

Having Wedding Doubts? What’s the Solution?

September 16, 2012 Leave a comment

Having pre-wedding jitters? Then DON’T go through with it, say psychologists

Read full article here:

This article focuses on a study done on married couples, that was conducted in Los Angeles by UCLA. What the study finds is that couples who had doubts about the marriage, especially when it was the bride that had doubts, tended to result in divorce more frequently than marriages where the couple had no doubts pre-marriage.

A great point is made towards the end of the article:

“Thomas Bradbury, a UCLA psychology professor and co-author of the study, compared the situation to finding something disturbing on your skin that you hadn’t noticed before.

‘If you see something unusual on your skin, should you ignore it and go to the beach, or see a doctor? Be smart and don’t ignore it – and don’t ignore your doubts either,’ said Bradbury, who co-directs the Relationship Institute at UCLA.

‘Have a conversation and see how it goes. Do you think the doubts will go away when you have a mortgage and two kids? Don’t count on that.”

This is a great point, because so many relationships end because one or both partners has some issue that they just hold inside and don’t discuss for some reason or another, and such points left unresolved will build over time, and even something that seemed small to start out with, can become the dividing point that splits a couple in two, when it’s kept in, and allowed to fester.

I saw this play out in in many of my relationships, and I’m sure many of you have experienced/gone through the same scenario, where there are little or big points that come up, but instead of just bringing it up, we keep it inside. Then we’ll mull it around in our mind, having all sorts of thoughts about it, playing out scenarios in our imagination, and participating in internal conversations and backchat toward our partner where we go into blame and judgment toward our partner, where we’ll have statements inside ourself such as ‘I can’t believe what they did’, ‘How could they do this/that’, ‘Why didn’t they just do this/that’, where interestingly enough, it’s never considered: Why am I asking these questions inside my head instead of out loud, where they can actually be heard, and answered?

So what that shows is that within ourself, we’ve made the decision to not include our partner in the conversation we’re having within ourself, and this obviously develops a rift in the relationship, because now there is one story, one version of reality, in your mind, as the conversations and scenarios that you’ve participated in in your mind, and then there is the actual physical reality, where you exist and your partner exist, and for communication to take place between each other, it has to happen physically, not in the mind.

So by not including our partner in our mind conversation, we are busy sabotaging the relationship, deliberately, within making the deliberate decision to not include our partner in one the conversation taking place within ourself, and deciding to separate ourself from them in this way, and going into backchat and blame toward them, instead of working out issues, by actually bringing them up for discussion.

Why don’t we simply bring up the issues that come up within us? It could be fear; Fear of conflict and fear of loss of relationship where you fear your partner will react/get mad/leave you, and you don’t want to do anything that might jeopardize the relationship or change your living situation. Because relationships aren’t currently designed around the starting point of doing what’s best for all as a whole, cause we as humans, have learned that one must fend for oneself, even when it comes to relationships, and from this starting point comes elements of competition, which makes relationships into a score keeping game, instead of an equal and one partnership, where both partners walk in agreement to live according to the principle of what is best for all.

How do we practically transform our starting point from one of separation into one of oneness and equality, when we’ve always existed as beings in competition with one another, in an economic system, the very foundation of which is competition and survival as an individual,because we do not take care of ourself as a group. What’s required is no less than actually changing one’s starting point, to instead of going into spitefulness and blame toward another, while considering only oneself, to stop the competition, to stop the ‘holding out’ and ‘exclusion’ of each other by going into our personal secret mind and sabotaging our relationships by participating in backchat about/toward others, instead of sticking to reality and actually communicating with each other, which will lead to couples either being able to sort out issues, or find that they are not an effective match, before they go down the road into a life commitment toward each other.

An effective way to assist and support oneself to develop the ability to communicate directly and in consideration of what’s best for all is to walk the Agreement Course put out by Desteni, which is actually the only course currently in existence which deals with the issue of separation and spitefulness in a direct and specific way in which one can really effectively walk each and every point of spitefulness and separation, where one go into blame and judgment, out of oneself. And where one learn to take self responsibility and stop the dependencies one has existed as that can keep one from speaking out in a relationship, for fear of losing the relationship, so that one can develop effective relationships with real communication and no longer live in an alternate reality in one’s mind, wishing/hoping that actual reality would change, but to take a practical active role in one’s life and relationships, and, fundamentally, develop an effective relationship with oneself, as all the other relationships with others in our life, are a reflection of our own relationship with ourself, which we’ve never effectively developed in awareness of who we’ve created ourself to be and the patterns we live out, and how what we’re living effects our very lives and our relationships.


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